Stopall Vs Real Houswives

"Ah-choo!"

I grab a tissue and wipe my runny, itchy nose and settle down to watch TV. Dern allergies!

I am, other than dealing with post nasal drip, engrossed in the fascinating interaction of the women of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. My allergies, however, are making it difficult for me to concentrate on their ongoing woes. I know Carlton doesn't like Kyle, and Kyle worries that Carlton will put a hex on her and her family. And Yolanda, who has some sort of exotic disease, annoys Joyce to no end but is ga-ga over her music producer husband, David. And Joyce, who is constantly discussing her husband's pee-pee, (and a grand one it is) doesn't fare too well with Brandi who used to absolutely despise Kim, but now they are best buds. And what do you think about Lisa? I think she lies a lot. JMHO. I missed last week's episode, so this is even harder to decipher, and now, allergies are dulling my senses. A commercial interrupts the show... and I learn something fascinating. There is a solution to my sniffling, runny nose and itching eyes... Loratadine!!

You say you've never heard of loratadine? (Just rolls right off your tongue, huh?) Understood. Right now, being sued by the 1% is not top of my list of "things to do today". So, I will simplify this for all of us, by inventing a new name for the television product. Stopall! Cute, huh? I have to admit I took my lead from the 1%. Cute and catchy, easy to remember name for loratadine, not be confused with desloratadine, a similar drug. Housewives drama is already taxing my brain, so we will just have to deal with the name desloratadine. Better yet, let's just forget about it since we would have to revert back to our second grade phonetic pronunciation. Des-lor-ah-tah-dine. (Google it) Just think, ass-pur-en.

Is this joyous appearing woman, frolicking in the underbrush a true testament to Stopall? Does habitual use of this product mean I will actually have relief from runny nose, nasal congestion, itching of the eyes, nose, and throat and skin hives? And an added bonus, joy beyond my wildest dreams? I keep listening. A miracle solution!

Forget the Houswives. I am fixated on the commercial. Stopall promises to relieve all my cruddy allergy symptoms. All of them! But then, hold on, there's more, the inevitable downside. I don't really want to hear this, but am forced to listen since Housewives is still in hiatus.

In a strong, reassuring, comforting male voice I hear the speaker continue,

"Stopall may cause drowsiness. Do not drive or use machinery until you know how it affects you."

Okay. Got it. Just a couple of questions. I understand that involves driving my car but does this mean I can't use my chain saw or drive my bulldozer? How about my can opener? Is that considered machinery? And just how drowsy? Like I might fall asleep in my car if were to be exceedingly daring and drove it? Or godforbid, fall asleep watching Housewives and miss the ongoing conflict, not mention falling behind in their cunning and captivating narrative?

And the voice continues,

"If you notice any symptoms of allergic reaction, stop taking it and see your doctor immediately."

Couple more questions here. If Stopall is to help relieve allergy symptoms, why "see your doctor immediately" if you notice allergy symptoms? Isn't that why you're taking it? And next question, wouldn't "see your doctor" entail driving to the doctor's office, who is not there because he's in Hawaii, courtesy of Stopall? Have you tried seeing your doctor on short notice? It appears to me that immediate medical attention went out with VCR players. I think we have some conflicting information here.

The voice does not stop,

"Stopall may cause various false test results".

Did I hear the word 'rats' mentioned? Maybe not.

"Be sure and notify any hospital personnel that you are currently taking Stopall".

Now aren't you glad we changed the name from loratadine to Stopall? Can you imagine trying to remember how to pronounce that name to the aforementioned hospital personnel?

And again, the voice:

"Older adults may be more sensitive to the side effects, like drowsiness or confusion."

Well, aren't older people normally more sensitive to drowsiness and confusion? At least I am. And the voice adds, (concerning older people),

"... an increased risk of falling". Again, don't older people already have an increased risk of falling? And again, I do.

"If you are pregnant you should only use it when clearly needed (like you are about to expire) and then when directed by your doctor."

Well, hello! Since I would be right up there with Mary should I become pregnant, I still listen to what he says. Personally, I always followed the advice of my mother when pregnant. Never take anything other than ass-pur-en.

And then the clincher.

"This has been known to cause cancer in laboratory animals, extreme fatigue, and in rare cases, death".

Ooooookay. That's it for me. Back to Joyce, Kyle, Kim, Yolanda, Carlton and Lisa. (and Giggy, god, don't forget Giggy)




By Susie Richardson